I am not very good at this. I've tried many times in the past, and they have failed. The writing part comes pretty easily, but I am awful when it comes to remembering to write. I don't keep a journal for this reason, either. It always seemed sort of silly. But, here goes!
Where do I start? Dennis and I were married in 2008 following a 17 month engagement. We had a small ceremony, which was just perfect. It is hard to believe we recently celebrated our third anniversary. Where does the time go? After the wedding, we decided we would start 'trying' for a family. I was not charting. We were just winging it. Finally, on August 8 of 2011, we got our first positive test. I was at work and had stopped by the drugstore on my way because I had been feeling off for a week. I was so tired, and my boobs hurt beyond words. That was it. I bought a box, peed on a stick when I got to work, and called Dennis immediately. We were both so excited! But I told myself not to get too worked up until we saw a heartbeat.
I called my drs office to make an appointment. The first avaiable they had was 8/29. I was thinking to myself 'how am I going to wait three weeks?!? (Now, I know it was still early, but my dr. did mention to me that should I become pregnant, I should come in sooner than later because of my thyroid.) So, I called back the next day and told them I was going to keep checking if they had any openings. A few hours later, they called me back and said my dr. could squeeze me in that friday! I called Dennis so he could work on getting the time off.
Talk about the longest week of my life! I was beyond anxious, as I am sure you can relate. Finally friday came but unfortunately Dennis was unable to get off work. My sister happened to be in town so she and my mom went in his place. We got there about 45 mintues before my appt and watched all the ladies with big bellies come and go. When my name was called I went with the nurse to the u/s room. They set me up and almost immediately, there on the screen was my little miracle. Dennis and I had made a baby, and it was beautiful. It only took a moment for me to completely fall in love. The heartbeat was strong, and baby was measuring 7 weeks 4 days. I was due March 26, 2012. The tech took lots of pictures and gave me several. She also asked if I had ever been told I have a heart shaped uterus, which I had not. She said it was minor, but something th dr will take note of. Then it was back to the waiting room for about 20 minutes.
Time came to see my dr. Mom, sister, and I went into the exam room. Talk, talk, talk. Dr mentioned the sack was smaller than it should be...half the size, actually, and this could be a cause of alarm. But baby had a great heartbeat and he reassured me this was a wonderful sign. He did mention the shape of my uterus, but said it likely would not cause a problem because it was so minor. He wanted me back in two weeks for a follow-up u/s just to make the sac is growing as it should.
The next two weeks were amazing. I honestly have never felt happier. Knowing our child was growing inside me put me on cloud nine. Dennis and I went on vacation to Chicago and took many pictures with the hopes of showing our child and saying "You were just a bean in mama's belly here". We still had a week when we returned home until the appt. That tuesday I started spotting. Just the tiniest spot of very light pink blood, but I called my dr's office anyway. The nurse I spoke to said that since it was not red I should be ok and just to wait until my appt on friday. Thursday the spotting turned a deeper red, but it was still just barely there. Friday morning I required a pad. I kept thinking positive thoughts. I arrived to my appt alone. Again, Dennis could not get off for the time. I told the check in nurse I thought something was wrong as I had been spotting all week and it started to pick up today. She got me right in to get an u/s and my world just fell apart.
The tech searched for about ten minutes. There was no heartbeat. Baby had stopped growing 10 days before. The same day we arrived in Chicago. It took about an hour for me to be able to leave the office. I called my husband, my parents, and my employer. Then went home and curled up on the sofa and cried until I was empty of tears. I kept asking why my baby had been taken. Why was I unable to keep my dream. All I've wanted for as long as I can think was to be a mommy. And my child had died. I have never been a religious person, and this did not help my beliefs. To put it bluntly, I was beyond devastated.
But life goes on. I miscarried naturally and we waited two cycles as we were told to do. Dennis and I are both ready to try again. Currently, we are in our second cycle trying. This time, I am temping and using OPK's. We want nothing more than to bring our baby home. It is amazing how this experience can change the way you think. At first, we knew we wanted kids, but were not in too much of a hurry to have them. Now, we want our child home with us. I always remember how far along I should be. It is a harsh reminder when I see a woman with a big belly...I can't help but think I should be xxx weeks right now. I should have that big belly. But this baby was not meant to come to earth. She was meant to watch over us, and I certainly hope she graces us with a brother or sister very soon.
Thank you for reading this. I am going to try and keep this up. I plan on writing on our bowling and travelling adventures.
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